Bitter Infertile

Infertility is a bitter bitch. She rears her head at the most inopportune times. I go along, thinking I'm finally coming to peace with being unable to bear children... and whammo. A pregnancy announcement or a story of a friend giving birth makes me want to crawl into bed and hide under the covers. It's not that I'm not happy for them. I'm still in mourning over what I can never have. Just all of a sudden deciding that you're going to try to have a baby... and then voila! You're pregnant a few months later! Just like that. I mourn the idea of missing my period one month and WONDERING if it could meant that I'm pregnant. I mourn the idea of telling The Husband in a cute way that I'm pregnant. I mourn the fact that I will never look into my baby's face and see my own features reflected back at me. I mourn the comments of "Oh, you get that from your mother." or "You look just like so-and-so did at that age." That will never happen. It's heart-breaking. I try to be OK with it. And, I know it will be easier when we finally bring home our child. But, it will never go away. I will always be green with envy of those who get pregnant naturally. Pregnancy announcements will always be difficult. Hearing pregnancy stories will always be hard. I want to be joyful for friends who announce that they are pregnant, but sometimes I am so so sad for me, it's difficult to get past it.

A friend announced her pregnancy yesterday. I knew it was coming. She announced a few months ago that she was trying. I was a bit appalled when she told me she didn't even know when she ovulates. (When dealing with infertility, you have to track your cycles for a year prior to treatment and the idea that someone can get pregnant not even knowing when you ovulate is insane to me. Yet lots of people do. Every day.) So, I saw her post on Facebook yesterday. I am supposed to see her tomorrow night. I don't know if I can go. I don't want to cry in front of her because I want her to be able to be as happy as she can be. I don't want to be "that girl" that people have to tiptoe around. I think it might be better for me to lay low for a while until I can get OK with it.

Man. My life has been such a roller-coaster lately. I go along and things are good - great, even - for a while. And then, we get into a car accident, or my mom goes into the hospital, or something else. Just when I start feeling good again, something happens that makes me sad or anxious again. I really want to take a week off work, but I'm saving all my vacation at work because I will only get 2 weeks maternity leave with an adoption. So, I've got to save my 4 weeks of vacation just in case we get a match this year. We can't really afford for me to take unpaid leave. So, I come to work every day. I go grocery shopping. I clean the house. I pay the bills. I feel like I'm on auto-pilot and don't really have much to be happy about these days.

Wow. I'm a bummer, huh? Sorry for complaining so much. Maybe I should erase some of this, but I won't. It's what I'm feeling and I need to put it out there. Maybe next week will be better.