The abyss

The thing about adoption is that you don't control any of it. When we were going through fertility treatments, it was something we could control (or some of it anyway). We could decide when we were going to cycle again. We could go on vacation and hold off on starting to cycle until after this occasion, or that wedding, or this other thing. I mean, don't get me wrong. I couldn't plan ANYTHING. I thought about going to night school for a long time, but I kept saying, "Well, if I get pregnant, I don't think I'd be able to do all of it." And now, 8 years later, I could have finished my degree. So, I postponed my life, really.

But, this waiting for "THE CALL" is agony. There is literally nothing to be done but WAIT.

We had a match a few months ago. Things were going pretty well, initially, but then things started getting weird. A few red flags were raised and then money got involved. *sigh* We decided the right thing to do would be to turn down the match and have our agency help her find another family.

That baby was due at the end of May. So, either she decided to parent, or some other family is raising that baby right now. I know it wasn't meant to be our baby, but it still stings. We're still here with empty arms and an empty crib in an empty bedroom that I have had to shut the door on because I can't see it anymore. The nursery used to comfort me. Now it just taunts me.

Don't get me wrong. We're doing OK. We are trying to live our lives and keep ourselves busy. But, as we are getting ready to renew our home study because it's expiring soon, I can't help but wonder if any of this is really meant to be. Are we meant to be parents or should we give it up and just get used to living child free and get on with our lives?

In the meantime, and until our contract is up with our agency next April, we wait for that phone call and hope it comes soon.

Thanksgiving

I try to remember to be thankful of all my blessings throughout the year, but this week, it's especially important.

1. I'm thankful for my husband and my marriage. My husband makes me crazy sometimes, but I'm truly lucky to be married to such a great guy. He puts up with my craziness and still loves me anyway. We're partners in this life and I'd be lost without him.

2. I'm thankful for my family. I love that I am part of such a close-knit family. We all really care about each other's well-being and I know that is rare. I miss them and I can't wait to see them all at Christmas.

3. I'm thankful for my friends. Biscuits and non-Biscuits. I know how blessed I am to have a wonderful group of friends that I can count on and who are always cheering me on. I have a wonderful support group.

For all of these things, I feel very thankful. Especially this time of year.

My latest projects

It's been a busy week. It's fall and I'm nesting. I took this week off for vacation and there are a number of things that I've had on my to-do list that have been hanging over my head:

- We got a new Ikea dresser and got it put together:



- I cleaned out the master bedroom closet:

Before

After

- I made a new headboard for the master bedroom. (I am totally and completely in love with it!):

I made a new cowl:

 And this stuff, I don't have pictures of yet:

- I painted a chandelier that is going in my craft room that I got for $15 at Goodwill.
- I got some art work put up that has been sitting waiting for over a year.

- I cleaned out the closet in the nursery and realized that it needs to be painted, so I primed it tonight. I'm going to paint 2 coats on it tomorrow. Then I'll put in all the baby clothes and gear that we have collected.

I still have 3 more days before I go back to work. I'm hoping to get the rest of my to-do list done before then!

Happy Halloween

First of all, here are some pictures of The Cutest Nephew In The World®:

Look at that smile!

Seriously? So cute!!!

 

And here's my boy all dressed up at Camp Bow Wow!

Happy Halloween everybody!

Not a match

She decided to go with another couple. I kind of expected it, and I'm actually OK. Of course I'm disappointed, but I know that our child will find its way to us when it is time.

On the bright side, I had a great weekend with my Biscuits in the mountains. I'm glad to be home for the next few weekends, though. I'm tired. Like bone-weary tired. I'm thinking I may take some vacation time that I've been saving up for a match and take next week off and get some things done at the house.

I'm working on my first pair of toe-up socks, too. Kind of exciting stuff, if you're into that sort of thing... which I am. Stay tuned for pics!

No gnews is... no gnews

Last heard from her on Friday night prior to our run. I sent an email off on Sunday, but haven't heard anything. I'm trying to convince myself that it's not a big deal. I'm failing.

Fortunately, I have my SAFF weekend this weekend with my Biscuits. I'm sure I wouldn't be able to handle it if I had to sit around my house waiting for an email or a phone call this weekend. I'm going crazy enough as it is. (Which is certainly saying something!)

Although, part of me wants to stay at home and get the nursery ready, just in case. We bought a crib last weekend and I went and got some onesies to have on hand. But, I've been looking forward to this weekend with my girls for a year!!! I'm going to go, and they will be successful in distracting me as much as anyone could possibly do...

I really do hope to hear something soon, though. I'm worried.

Color, running, and silliness

Before

After

Before

After

We had SO much fun! It was great to get our mind off of things for a bit and just be silly. I ran ALMOST the whole thing, except for that insane hill in the middle. I only made it 1/2 way up that before I felt like I was going to DIE.

I'm still trying to get all the color off - 2 days later. My right arm-pit may be permanently dyed green... Oh well. It was worth it! :-)